fodschwazzle: (Sandy hole)
It was a good apartment. You only heard the sound of a woman screaming two or three times a week, and only two of your neighbors ever sat outside your window, crouched down in the gravel, whispering sweet somethings all night long. You sure are glad that never happened again--it would have been weird. Those tranquil days will be behind you soon, as a quaint, quiet house just went on the market much closer to your work; for the first time in your life, you're going to be a homeowner.


However, homeowners need furniture, lawnmowers, and spatulas. The myriad items necessary to live comfortably in our modern society necessitates that you, eager owner, gain your deposit back on the apartment. Unfortunately, your apartment manager is known for upcharging on every stain or mishap.

You've got a lot of work ahead of you if you want to reclaim your deposit. In order to determine how likely you are to succeed at regaining your funds, we will need to assess you with our "Apartment Renter Wholistic Assessment," or ARWA for short.

Directions: Answer the following five questions exactly one time. We will measure three statisics that are the best predictors of deposit retention, but you should maintain a record for your own purposes as well. Again, choose only one answer, as multiple answers from the same question would invalidate the assessment.

1. What is the first thing you want your guests to notice when they walk into your house?

+3 to Sexiness

+3 to Wizardry

+3 to Filthiness

2. How do you feel about your neighbors?

+2 to Filthiness, -1 to Sexiness

+2 to Sexiness, -1 to Wizardry

+2 to Wizardry, -1 to Sexiness

3. If you turned out your pockets right now, what would fall on the ground?

+1 to Sexiness, +1 to Wizardry, -1 to Filthiness

+1 to Filthiness, +1 to Sexiness, -1 to Wizardry

+1 to Wizardry, +1 to Filthiness, -1 to Sexiness

4. On a busy night, which of these are you most likely eating for dinner?

-1 to Wizardry, +1 to Filthiness, +1 to Sexiness             You get the skill: Unimaginative Slurping!

+1 to Filthiness, +1 to Sexiness                         You get the skill: Many Dirty Dishes!

+1 to Wizardry, +1 to Sexiness                           You get the skill: Epic Indigestion!

5. What is the most important thing in the world to you? Also, what is that stain?

+2 to Sexiness, -1 to Wizardry

+1 to Wizardry, +1 to Filthiness, -2 to Sexiness

+3 to Filthiness, -1 to Wizardry, -1 to Sexiness

Tally up your scores and write them down.


Your apartment will need to be clean before you move out. Ideally, you will start this process at least five weeks in advance, but sometimes life and obligations thwart your plans.

In the following scenarios taking place in the five weeks leading up to your move-out date, use your tallied statistics to determine your capability to retain your deposit. Understand that, regardless of any aptitude you might have for cleaning and organization, your manager will not give you the full amount back. Your decisions in this section will cost -1, -2, or -3 from your DRS, or Deposit Retention Score. You start with a DRS score of 0.

The objective is to have the highest score possible, even if that is -5. Total as you go along, and do try to avoid selecting more than one answer and one subanswer (based on your previous section's scores) per question; otherwise, you may need to "refresh" the "page."

Do you have your previous score ready?

5 Weeks from Move-out
Your pets are starting to sense something is afoot. You need to ensure that they're properly fed and cared for, because...

You have nothing dogs like in your apartment, so they poop on the floor. -3 DRS

You need to spend more time walking the dogs than cleaning and clearing. -2 DRS

The dogs have literally no room to do anything potentially destructive, you compulsive hoarder you. In fact, they want to move, and the older ones get misty-eyed remembering the days when life wasn't so cluttered. -1 DRS

They begin peeing in every corner of every room. All is lost! -3 DRS

You sooth their spirits by petting them with both hands. Feels so good. -2 DRS

Intense sensuality radiates from your body, overwhelming their beastly fears. When all is settled, you hunt together, catching five neighborhood rabbits and devouring them before the dawn sun cracks the horizon. -1 DRS

They are not really your pets, and in some circles their presence would be considered an infestation. -3 DRS

You feed them moths and flies, and they comunally decide not to dangle right at face level in the entryway. Less time with a spider on your face is more time for cleaning! -2 DRS

You give them the warm reassurance of your flesh by allowing them to live on your skin. You no longer need clothes. While shopping at the grocery store, you are heard whispering, "Shh, shh, my babies. Mama is right here." -1 DRS

4 Weeks from Move-out
You send in your 30 day notice to your apartment manager. You are scheduled for a maintenance visit. When the man arrives to check on the place, you...

Your residence is so immaculately clean that the maintenance man breaks down to tears. After all, cleanliness is next to godliness. Afterward, you and the man become best friends forevermore. -1 DRS

The maintenance man does his job. He finds problems, and although you didn't cause them, you will pay for them. -2 DRS

The maintenance man later reports to his boss that he "saw the devil" in your apartment. Your apartment manager frowns because she knows the devil personally and now considers you to be a threat to his unholy name. -3 DRS

You are so socially repugnant and physically repulsive to talk to that the man tries his utmost to finish the job quickly. -1 DRS

Your advancements are confused for courtesies. When you sexily bend over to pick up his screwdriver, making a little "ooh" sound when you do, he is genuinely appreciative of your effort in helping him out. -2 DRS

You give him a look that would have worked on any other man around. He could not mistake: you made it totally clear that you were his for a night. Then he said, "Leave me alone! I'm a family man, and my bark is much worse than my bite--if you push me too far, I just might!" -3 DRS

He arrives to find you sitting on the floor, mumbling, dressed in only the Sorting Hat from Harry Potter. This is disconcerting for him, so he wraps up business quickly. -1 DRS

He is clearly some kind of mage himself, having an anti-spell barrier around him at all times. He never notices that you even tried anything. -2 DRS

The maintenance man is actually a witch doctor! As soon as you start barraging him with your most powerful spells, he retaliates by throwing a vial full of his own brand of magic in your face. Eventually, you suppress him, but not before his "Tincture of a Thousand Lesions," does what it was meant to do. It is rather disgusting and painful, and you leave stains everywhere you go until you finally move out. -3 DRS

3 Weeks from Move-out
The apartment manager has a pet rooster named Rodney. You consider Rodney to be the avian incarnation of Satan, since every time you've dropped off a check, you've heard Rodney softly whispering into the manager's ear, "Kill, kill, roaaak, kill, kill the deposit." Of course, you have a hyperbolic imagination. The bird could have been saying "deficit."

One night, you return home from work to find Rodney sitting on your bed. Red eyes glisten maliciously beneath an infernal cockscomb. "Despair mortal," he crows, "for your end is nigh!"

A combination of dirty fighting and psychic warfare ensues. Eventually, you send the the tyrant-bird back to hell where he belongs. You take his left leg as a trophy, but you wind up eating it because shopping for groceries during moving week is ridiculous. -1 DRS

You meet your match in this bird. It is a war of attrition. When it is over, he saunters away knowing that his true purpose is fulfilled--your place is now a mess. -2 DRS

The bird-devil not only defeats you in single combat but also steals your soul. It's a hard life we live. -3 DRS

You transform into a radiant angel of a bird. Your brilliant plumage is so blindingly bright that Rodney is instantly destroyed just by glancing at you. There is a little bit of cleanup because he exploded, but it's not a big deal. -1 DRS

You say "nope!" and walk right out your own front door. While you are gone, Rodney vomits on your carpet. It doesn't really matter if roosters do that. Rodney is Satan. -2 DRS

You transform into a bird! Unfortunately, that bird is a hen. Rodney begins cackling maniacally. In the proximity of his towering rooster physique, you cannot help but lay eggs constantly, watching as they crack on the linoleum beneath you. It takes four days for your own spell to end. By then, some of the floor omelette you've made is very rotten. -3 DRS

2 Weeks from Move-out
The apocalypse happens. Lucky for you, you just bought a...

You call your Super Nintendo a time travel device because time flies when you're having fun. Unfortunately, a meteor strikes your house while you are preoccupied in a rousing session of Super Mario RPG. That will be hard to clean up. -3 DRS

You call your microwave a time travel device because time slows down whenever you look at the clock whilst cooking a Hot Pocket. It's a good strategy, and it allows you to redirect falling meteors before they hit your house directly. But eating Hot Pockets also slows you down, so that's not entirely effective. -2 DRS

Your time travel device enables you to rewind other objects besides yourself. Since skipping over the portion of your week where a meteor destroys your kitchen is unwise since that event will still take place, you instead rewind that silly meteor back into space. However, after one solid use, your time machine implodes, leaving time dust on the carpet. -1 DRS

You have no idea what you are inflicting upon the world. When satellite images catch your leopard print, denim, glittering rainbow pants, the United Nations work together to nuke your house first. -3 DRS

They're still just a pair of pants. The nuclear holocaust still wipes out your house. -2 DRS

It's no ordinary pair of pants. This is Venetian, Boot-cut, Unicorn Leather! There is no way world leaders will drop a nuclear bomb on your house. -1 DRS

You use the Zombie Survival Kit! It's super effective! Zombies die in your apartment, leaving necrotizing flesh everywhere. -3 DRS

You immediately lose the Zombie Survival Kit in your own clutter. However, barricades to zombies are all over the place in your apartment. You stop most of them from getting in and only need to bludgeon two of them with your fifth grade lunchbox. -2 DRS

You have no earthly idea where you last saw that Zombie Survival Kit, but it doesn't matter because the zombie hoard completely avoids your apartment. It looks like a disaster already happened there, and zombies only like clean, clear places. -1 DRS

1 Week from Move-out
It is your last week at Aspen Pine Crest Vista Bluff Apartments. You are moving as frantically as you can. Your week goes...

Really great, because you're really great. -1 DRS

Just like a regular moving week. Moving really sucks. -2 DRS

Terrible, because almost everything you do goes terribly. It's not easy being you, that's for sure. -3 DRS


Now total up all of your DRS scores. Your score should be between -5 and -15 if you know how to add negative numbers together.

Here is your outcome:

You get about 50% of your deposit back and buy a stand mixer with the money. You make bread for everyone you know almost immediately.

You buy a spatula with your returned deposit money. It's a good spatula. Can't complain.

You do not get your deposit back. Sorry.

You die.

Now that you know your potential for getting your deposit back, strive for it. It's not often you get to see a check in the mail for a few hundred dollars. Now that you're a new homeowner, you really need it.


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May 2017

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